Family Values

Last night I got to hang with a great friend.  I adore my friendship with this person, it seems to me to be the most authentic friendship I have.  She's not into fake, disingenuous talk.  She doesn't hug, it's not her thing.  She's not overly excitable, but she is always there if needed.  I need to talk to her about something, she needs a sounding board, we know that we can get together crack open a few beers (except right now I'm the only one drinking...as she has a fetus invading her uterus) and talk, laugh and enjoy comfortable silence.

She's also a friend who I feel comfortable saying the shit out loud that others might cringe at, and she feels the same.  She sent me this quote yesterday from a Salon.com article she read about Amy Sherman-Palladino:

...the core it’s still a theme I’m interested in, which is, family is so important and you feel like, “No matter what, you have your family, no matter what you love your family” and yet, it’s like, “Do you?” Families can be the most detrimental things to have in your life. They are sometimes the most poisonous relationships that people have. Sometimes family is the thing that keeps you from ever achieving what you want to achieve, and yet people hold it and hold it and grab it and try to fix it and twist it and turn it. And I just find that fascinating; I just find it fascinating.

Wow.  I fist pumped like Pauly D when I read this- it was incredibly liberating to read.  I often meet people in my professional and personal life who tell me about the importance of family, the value of family and then segue nicely into telling me about the hurtful and cruel things their family has done to themselves or others.

At this point in my life I'm thinking a lot about family and hurtful relationships.   The coming out process can be riddled with relationships exploding or dying.  I'm surprised at how concerned I am about the potential for relationships to explode.  At the beginning of this journey I said to more than one person that if my coming out ends a relationship, then that's ok.  I don't want people in my life who can't handle my truth.  I think I was a bit overzealous in my statement.  Truth is, I do care.  Nobody wants to be rejected, it hurts.

That's why reading the above quote gave me hope.  It was as if Sherman-Palladino was breaking some cardinal rule and speaking out against the untouchable value of "family".  We all know families are insane at times, no one is exempt from it.  But there also seems to be an unwritten rule to not speak badly about your family.  And if you do, you appear cruel, cold and unable to maintain a relationship.  When the reality of it is, honesty and a desire to protect yourself are being presented.

There is balance in everything.  I adore my dad and want to maintain a strong relationship with him, but there are times when he irritates the shit out of me and sometimes says things that are hurtful.  I'm not willing to cut him out (the thought never even crossed my mind) of my life.  But the thought that he would do that to me (an irrational thought, a passing thought) cuts deep. 

And it all comes back to power and control.  That's big- and I think that's what it's about when it comes to these tricky family relationships. If you have a family member who uses that power and control to make you feel like shit- time for some reflection.

Now the Gilmore Girls seems much deeper than I remember.

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