I do find the drama of other people's lives very fascinating. Well, ficticious people actually. As a teen I soaked up soap operas in the summer ("Passions" anyone??). I had a serious love for celebrity gossip in my mid twenties. And when I first moved out on my own I secretly loved being able to watch trashy talk shows.
But in my own life, I avoid drama. My relationships are drama free for the most part. I don't openly try and instigate problems, arguments or issues. I don't even do the whole passive aggressive piece. Gossip? Oh heck yes. I'm not above admitting that I like to dish. But, my dish sessions will always end with a reasoned response, and a completely adult answer to the most petty of arguments and situations.
My family is far from perfect. My immediate family seems to have their shit together, but we're still quirky enough to make me very excited when I get 24 hours all alone.
My extended family is filled with a whole slew of interesting/frustrating/infuriating and loveable characters. They are not perfect, and in fact I prefer to only converse with some of them on a limited basis, but at the end of the day they are who they are.
My life, up to this point, has been devoid of confrontration or irrationality.
Until now. I have been a big believer in not attracting drama, and not responding dramatically and actively avoiding it. Life is crazy enough without me adding to it by being over the top, immature or ridiculous.
Fast forward to this summer, and the "big reveal". All of a sudden my propensity to slam doors, run out of rooms, cry at a pin drop and talk and talk and talk about my experience and process has increased. An opportunity for a dramatic response? Count me in.
The actual experience is odd. As I'm going through the emotions of feeling out of control (whether it is me running out of a chapel, telling someone "I'm not ok with what is coming out of your mouth" or crying at work) it feels like an out of body experience. I can see me taking the steps towards drama. I can hear my rational brain saying "Don't do that...don't be a child. Get a backbone and stay still.". I ignore that voice in a remarkable fashion. I feel my inner self cringing at the awkwardness of my drama. Yes, nothing more awkward than a 30 year old woman acting like a teenager.
So what is it about this situation and coming out process that inspires me to be a dramatic person? I can speculate, but I hate the thought that this could be real.
It could be the lack of drama in my personal life. I've never been one to yell/scream or have generally bad personal experiences. I once had a friend turn around and full on hate me (another story), but I was so unaffected by it and uninterested in the drama of it I didn't realize it until the relationship had been well and dead for nearly six months. I was not a dramatic teenager. I did not have crazy relationship in university. I was the pillar of strength, the voice of reason.
Maybe all that lack of drama has stunted me, and now I'm catching up for lost time?
I hate that idea. When I hear about coming out stories I often hear about folks doing crazy shit, getting into insane relationships and making asses out of themselves. That fate terrifies me, but I fear that I am going to go through that for the next little while, despite my responsible side.
The impending drama is scaring the shit out of me. But I can see how I would think it's exciting at the same time. People are always saying how they "hate the drama". Bullshit. People love drama, it adds to their life and gives them a distraction.
Maybe that's what I need, a distraction.
But I will never be a drama queen.
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