Last night I got to hang with a great friend. I adore my friendship with this person, it seems to me to be the most authentic friendship I have. She's not into fake, disingenuous talk. She doesn't hug, it's not her thing. She's not overly excitable, but she is always there if needed. I need to talk to her about something, she needs a sounding board, we know that we can get together crack open a few beers (except right now I'm the only one drinking...as she has a fetus invading her uterus) and talk, laugh and enjoy comfortable silence.
She's also a friend who I feel comfortable saying the shit out loud that others might cringe at, and she feels the same. She sent me this quote yesterday from a Salon.com article she read about Amy Sherman-Palladino:
...the core it’s still a theme I’m interested in, which is, family is so important and you feel like, “No matter what, you have your family, no matter what you love your family” and yet, it’s like, “Do you?” Families can be the most detrimental things to have in your life. They are sometimes the most poisonous relationships that people have. Sometimes family is the thing that keeps you from ever achieving what you want to achieve, and yet people hold it and hold it and grab it and try to fix it and twist it and turn it. And I just find that fascinating; I just find it fascinating.
Wow. I fist pumped like Pauly D when I read this- it was incredibly liberating to read. I often meet people in my professional and personal life who tell me about the importance of family, the value of family and then segue nicely into telling me about the hurtful and cruel things their family has done to themselves or others.
At this point in my life I'm thinking a lot about family and hurtful relationships. The coming out process can be riddled with relationships exploding or dying. I'm surprised at how concerned I am about the potential for relationships to explode. At the beginning of this journey I said to more than one person that if my coming out ends a relationship, then that's ok. I don't want people in my life who can't handle my truth. I think I was a bit overzealous in my statement. Truth is, I do care. Nobody wants to be rejected, it hurts.
That's why reading the above quote gave me hope. It was as if Sherman-Palladino was breaking some cardinal rule and speaking out against the untouchable value of "family". We all know families are insane at times, no one is exempt from it. But there also seems to be an unwritten rule to not speak badly about your family. And if you do, you appear cruel, cold and unable to maintain a relationship. When the reality of it is, honesty and a desire to protect yourself are being presented.
There is balance in everything. I adore my dad and want to maintain a strong relationship with him, but there are times when he irritates the shit out of me and sometimes says things that are hurtful. I'm not willing to cut him out (the thought never even crossed my mind) of my life. But the thought that he would do that to me (an irrational thought, a passing thought) cuts deep.
And it all comes back to power and control. That's big- and I think that's what it's about when it comes to these tricky family relationships. If you have a family member who uses that power and control to make you feel like shit- time for some reflection.
Now the Gilmore Girls seems much deeper than I remember.
I am not a drama queen. I detest even the label "drama queen". I am an avoider of drama.
I do find the drama of other people's lives very fascinating. Well, ficticious people actually. As a teen I soaked up soap operas in the summer ("Passions" anyone??). I had a serious love for celebrity gossip in my mid twenties. And when I first moved out on my own I secretly loved being able to watch trashy talk shows.
But in my own life, I avoid drama. My relationships are drama free for the most part. I don't openly try and instigate problems, arguments or issues. I don't even do the whole passive aggressive piece. Gossip? Oh heck yes. I'm not above admitting that I like to dish. But, my dish sessions will always end with a reasoned response, and a completely adult answer to the most petty of arguments and situations.
My family is far from perfect. My immediate family seems to have their shit together, but we're still quirky enough to make me very excited when I get 24 hours all alone.
My extended family is filled with a whole slew of interesting/frustrating/infuriating and loveable characters. They are not perfect, and in fact I prefer to only converse with some of them on a limited basis, but at the end of the day they are who they are.
My life, up to this point, has been devoid of confrontration or irrationality.
Until now. I have been a big believer in not attracting drama, and not responding dramatically and actively avoiding it. Life is crazy enough without me adding to it by being over the top, immature or ridiculous.
Fast forward to this summer, and the "big reveal". All of a sudden my propensity to slam doors, run out of rooms, cry at a pin drop and talk and talk and talk about my experience and process has increased. An opportunity for a dramatic response? Count me in.
The actual experience is odd. As I'm going through the emotions of feeling out of control (whether it is me running out of a chapel, telling someone "I'm not ok with what is coming out of your mouth" or crying at work) it feels like an out of body experience. I can see me taking the steps towards drama. I can hear my rational brain saying "Don't do that...don't be a child. Get a backbone and stay still.". I ignore that voice in a remarkable fashion. I feel my inner self cringing at the awkwardness of my drama. Yes, nothing more awkward than a 30 year old woman acting like a teenager.
So what is it about this situation and coming out process that inspires me to be a dramatic person? I can speculate, but I hate the thought that this could be real.
It could be the lack of drama in my personal life. I've never been one to yell/scream or have generally bad personal experiences. I once had a friend turn around and full on hate me (another story), but I was so unaffected by it and uninterested in the drama of it I didn't realize it until the relationship had been well and dead for nearly six months. I was not a dramatic teenager. I did not have crazy relationship in university. I was the pillar of strength, the voice of reason.
Maybe all that lack of drama has stunted me, and now I'm catching up for lost time?
I hate that idea. When I hear about coming out stories I often hear about folks doing crazy shit, getting into insane relationships and making asses out of themselves. That fate terrifies me, but I fear that I am going to go through that for the next little while, despite my responsible side.
The impending drama is scaring the shit out of me. But I can see how I would think it's exciting at the same time. People are always saying how they "hate the drama". Bullshit. People love drama, it adds to their life and gives them a distraction.
Maybe that's what I need, a distraction.
But I will never be a drama queen.
