Family Disconnection

Everyone has those family members who you just don't connect with.  In my family I seem to have more than one.  I don't have issues with any of them particularly.  You know, they're just folks that I'm related to, and see on a semi regular basis.  When I see them we talk about the same shit.  They do the same stuff, share the same stuff.  More boring than anything else.

The majority of my family members who I have less than close relationships do not know about my coming out.  They are pretty much in the dark about this new development.  And no, I don't think that they know.  In fact, I would bet a significant amount of money that they are clueless about much of my life.  For most of these family members, they continue to treat me like a 12 year old.  I'm not so vain to think that it's because they think I'm immature, I think it more has to do with their vanity and lack of awareness in general.  It seems to be a pattern in their lives.

What I find interesting about this whole process is that during my big reveal, they weren't on the list of people to tell about my identity marker.  It never crossed my mind to tell them.  The reasons were many:

1. They wouldn't know how to react. 
2. No connection with them anyway, why start now?
3. The awkwardness.  Oh, the awkwardness.
4. They don't care.

Number four sounds harsh, but to be honest these few family members that I haven't told are navel gazers.  Not too interested in others, and definitely not interested in me. 

We have some relatives from out of town visiting (from very far away, visits happen usually every 1.5 years...with no talk in between).  And it has not even crossed my mind to tell them.  It doesn't hurt not to, it's not hurting to keep it secret.  And that surprises me.

I don't know how long I can keep it from all these relatives (which is probably a lot when I actually start to count it up).  But there is a part of me that doesn't really mind.  They'll find out and again, I would bet, they won't say anything.  They'll act like they always knew.  No big deal.  But since they rarely ask about myself I don't think I'm in danger of having my cover blown.

Part of me is sad that I don't have closer relationships with them, but on the other hand, I rarely get anything from them (in the form of support, etc.) so it really isn't a loss.

It's just interesting to think about.

One thing I am grateful for: not one of them would be vindictive about it.  And that's what I'm going to focus on.

I love my weird, narcissistically-minded family.  And I am not going to try and change it.

 

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Shit Day

What could make a day worse, after a less than awesome (actually less than mediocre) day of disclosure to some very close friends that I'm a lesbian?

How about coming home to discover that I get to spend several hours (actually 8 hours exactly) helping the family entertain some outspoken, narcissistic, racist, misogynistic, and just plain stupid house guests?

Yes. A shit day. I'm too tired to write about the horrible-ness of today. But I wanted to remind myself online that not everyone thinks Obama is a bad president because of his skin colour (I shit you not) and that transgendered folks who elect to have gender re-assignment surgery have not "been tricked by their therapists".

Fuck me.

Family Values

Last night I got to hang with a great friend.  I adore my friendship with this person, it seems to me to be the most authentic friendship I have.  She's not into fake, disingenuous talk.  She doesn't hug, it's not her thing.  She's not overly excitable, but she is always there if needed.  I need to talk to her about something, she needs a sounding board, we know that we can get together crack open a few beers (except right now I'm the only one drinking...as she has a fetus invading her uterus) and talk, laugh and enjoy comfortable silence.

She's also a friend who I feel comfortable saying the shit out loud that others might cringe at, and she feels the same.  She sent me this quote yesterday from a Salon.com article she read about Amy Sherman-Palladino:

...the core it’s still a theme I’m interested in, which is, family is so important and you feel like, “No matter what, you have your family, no matter what you love your family” and yet, it’s like, “Do you?” Families can be the most detrimental things to have in your life. They are sometimes the most poisonous relationships that people have. Sometimes family is the thing that keeps you from ever achieving what you want to achieve, and yet people hold it and hold it and grab it and try to fix it and twist it and turn it. And I just find that fascinating; I just find it fascinating.

Wow.  I fist pumped like Pauly D when I read this- it was incredibly liberating to read.  I often meet people in my professional and personal life who tell me about the importance of family, the value of family and then segue nicely into telling me about the hurtful and cruel things their family has done to themselves or others.

At this point in my life I'm thinking a lot about family and hurtful relationships.   The coming out process can be riddled with relationships exploding or dying.  I'm surprised at how concerned I am about the potential for relationships to explode.  At the beginning of this journey I said to more than one person that if my coming out ends a relationship, then that's ok.  I don't want people in my life who can't handle my truth.  I think I was a bit overzealous in my statement.  Truth is, I do care.  Nobody wants to be rejected, it hurts.

That's why reading the above quote gave me hope.  It was as if Sherman-Palladino was breaking some cardinal rule and speaking out against the untouchable value of "family".  We all know families are insane at times, no one is exempt from it.  But there also seems to be an unwritten rule to not speak badly about your family.  And if you do, you appear cruel, cold and unable to maintain a relationship.  When the reality of it is, honesty and a desire to protect yourself are being presented.

There is balance in everything.  I adore my dad and want to maintain a strong relationship with him, but there are times when he irritates the shit out of me and sometimes says things that are hurtful.  I'm not willing to cut him out (the thought never even crossed my mind) of my life.  But the thought that he would do that to me (an irrational thought, a passing thought) cuts deep. 

And it all comes back to power and control.  That's big- and I think that's what it's about when it comes to these tricky family relationships. If you have a family member who uses that power and control to make you feel like shit- time for some reflection.

Now the Gilmore Girls seems much deeper than I remember.

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Drama

I am not a drama queen.  I detest even the label "drama queen".  I am an avoider of drama.

I do find the drama of other people's lives very fascinating.  Well, ficticious people actually.  As a teen I soaked up soap operas in the summer ("Passions" anyone??).  I had a serious love for celebrity gossip in my mid twenties.  And when I first moved out on my own I secretly loved being able to watch trashy talk shows.

But in my own life, I avoid drama.  My relationships are drama free for the most part.  I don't openly try and instigate problems, arguments or issues.  I don't even do the whole passive aggressive piece.   Gossip?  Oh heck yes.  I'm not above admitting that I like to dish.  But, my dish sessions will always end with a reasoned response, and a completely adult answer to the most petty of arguments and situations.

My family is far from perfect.  My immediate family seems to have their shit together, but we're still quirky enough to make me very excited when I get 24 hours all alone.

My extended family is filled with a whole slew of interesting/frustrating/infuriating and loveable characters.  They are not perfect, and in fact I prefer to only converse with some of them on a limited basis, but at the end of the day they are who they are.

My life, up to this point, has been devoid of confrontration or irrationality.

Until now.  I have been a big believer in not attracting drama, and not responding dramatically and actively avoiding it.  Life is crazy enough without me adding to it by being over the top, immature or ridiculous.

Fast forward to this summer, and the "big reveal".  All of a sudden my propensity to slam doors, run out of rooms, cry at a pin drop and talk and talk and talk about my experience and process has increased.  An opportunity for a dramatic response?  Count me in. 

The actual experience is odd.  As I'm going through the emotions of feeling out of control (whether it is me running out of a chapel, telling someone "I'm not ok with what is coming out of your mouth" or crying at work) it feels like an out of body experience.  I can see me taking the steps towards drama.  I can hear my rational brain saying "Don't do that...don't be a child.  Get a backbone and stay still.".  I ignore that voice in a remarkable fashion.  I feel my inner self cringing at the awkwardness of my drama.  Yes, nothing more awkward than a 30 year old woman acting like a teenager.

So what is it about this situation and coming out process that inspires me to be a dramatic person?  I can speculate, but I hate the thought that this could be real.

It could be the lack of drama in my personal life.  I've never been one to yell/scream or have generally bad personal experiences.  I once had a friend turn around and full on hate me (another story), but I was so unaffected by it and uninterested in the drama of it I didn't realize it until the relationship had been well and dead for nearly six months.  I was not a dramatic teenager.  I did not have crazy relationship in university.  I was the pillar of strength, the voice of reason.

Maybe all that lack of drama has stunted me, and now I'm catching up for lost time?

I hate that idea.  When I hear about coming out stories I often hear about folks doing crazy shit, getting into insane relationships and making asses out of themselves.  That fate terrifies me, but I fear that I am going to go through that for the next little while, despite my responsible side.

The impending drama is scaring the shit out of me.  But I can see how I would think it's exciting at the same time.  People are always saying how they "hate the drama".  Bullshit.  People love drama, it adds to their life and gives them a distraction.

Maybe that's what I need, a distraction. 

But I will never be a drama queen.

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Long Lost Friend

As I mentioned before, a friend of mine recently lost a parent.  It was not a surprise, but that's cold comfort after losing someone who you've had a relationship with (no matter the quality).  Today was the final memorial to say goodbye, and I am not one of those people who "doesn't do funerals".  I can understand and appreciate that funerals are important, less for those who are departed, and more for those who have been left behind.

I went with a couple who was also attending- it was nice to hang out with them before and go together.  Lately my own reliability is questionable, it was a relief to go with someone else.

So on we went to the church- which is Catholic.  I feel like that needs to be a separate post all together, my relationship with the Catholic church.  We entered the church gave hugs and sat down...my friends were great, asking me if I would be ok going into the church.  Mostly asking in a joking way.  I responded with the usually "catching on fire" response.  A little laugh at a funeral is helpful.

We went in and grabbed a seat, and I got used to being in the church for a couple of minutes.  I grew up Catholic, so the surroundings were not difficult to get used to.  Soon after sitting, another friend (who I have not come out to...simply because of conflicting schedules) joined us and sat next to us.  She is lovely- kind, open, calm and amazing.  I was overwhelmed.  The she asked me "how are things with you?".

And I came thisclose to coming out to a friend during Mass.  It shook me.  Scared me.  And again, something that I usually would not do.  It freaked me right out, how quickly I almost did something as insane as coming out in a church that, if they knew, would say that I'm not right and against Jesus.

As the Mass started I saw a parent of a longtime friend.  This woman is probably the most miserable person I have ever known.  She's got issues, and I'm not joking.  I first met her daughter in grade nine, and we were close throughout school, and it culminated in my being her maid of honour when she got married when were 20 years old.

Since my friend's marriage nine years ago, she has started to become more aligned with very conservative and traditional Christian values.  Usually, this won't bother me.  But this friend has also become very outspoken and almost mean in her beliefs, even on one occasion two years ago chastising a group of us for straying from our "Christian faith".

So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw this friend singing in the choir at the funeral (it was a surprise because she moved to a "mega church" about five years ago).

Sidenote: My long lost friend was the youngest in the choir by about 50 years.

I almost lost it.  Combined with the priest's homily about "living the life Christ wants you to live" to get into Eternity, being told to be a "slave to my Master (re: Jesus)", listening to what an amazingly kind man my friend's dead parent was, thinking about my own dad and our issues and what it would feel like to lose him, almost coming out in the middle of Mass to my friend- seeing this old friend just about sent me over the edge.

In between all of this, I couldn't help but call myself a huge drama queen.  I couldn't even sit through Communion, I had to leave.

It culminated at the end with my long lost friend inviting me over to her new home in the next couple of weeks to see her kids and catch up.

Where she will certainly ask me "how are things with you?".

Fuck me.

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Group Email

When I first started talking to one of my best friends about coming out she asked me when I was going to share with the rest of the world.

My answer?  

"Can't I just send out a group email?"

Here's what I thought it would sound like:

Hi Everyone!

I hope you're having a great summer, and I think we should get together for a summer drink!  Message me back with your availability!

J

P.S.  I'm super gay

She burst my bubble by telling me "no" I could not send out an email blast.

Goddammit.

So I was presented with the task of doing some face to face sharing.  I started with the people closest to me, and up until now, the "big reveal" has been one on one.  I choose this method verses telling a group of people for a very deliberate reason.  I understand that this is not just my coming out process, but the people that I'm sharing this with have to process.  I wanted people to feel comfortable and free to share what they felt without the worry of other eyes looking at them.  Telling people one to one was important.  I thought it was respectful, kind and the lowest key way to share.  

I am not one for the spotlight, it makes me very uncomfortable.  Hence this anonymous blogging.  Telling a group of people is not something that I even wanted to do either.

So far this is working for me, it makes me feel like I can manage a bit better and I feel a bit safer in the situation.  If I feel I'm getting upset or angry I can figure out without multiple pairs of eyes that are watching my every move.  It makes me sweat just thinking about it.

But now I find myself at an interesting crossroads.  I've told my close friends. They know about my uncovered identity as a gay woman.  The conversation I have every time I have come out is lengthy and emotional.  I find that I have to gear myself up for the big reveal and get ready for the conversation that has to ensue.  Gah.

Tonight is another big reveal, and the first group reveal.  It's my monthly wine/cheese/book club meeting with some of my closest girlfriends.  They are a great group- and I'm not afraid of any of them being upset or unkind.  They are, however not women I would naturally seek out in my life.  Their life trajectories (hetero, traditional marriage, babies, politics, etc.) are a bit different then mine.  Not bad, not horrible, just different.  I'm definitely the one in the group who is left of centre.  They are enthusiastic, exciting, open and talkative.  

When I tell them tonight it will be a loooooong conversation. I'm nervous that I'm not up for it.  I'm scared that I will be overly emotional (tears, inability to talk about it), I'm nervous that I will kill the good mood of the evening.

I'm also very nervous that one of them will say something supportive that irritates the shit out of me and I won't be able to ignore it or respond with kindness.  I'm nervous that they will be dismissive of the hardness of this situation by saying things like "It doesn't matter- being honest is important!" or "You don't want to be friends with people who are not going to support you!".

Bah.  I will be fine, and it will be great. 

Fuck.

 

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