When I first started talking to one of my best friends about coming out she asked me when I was going to share with the rest of the world.
My answer?
"Can't I just send out a group email?"
Here's what I thought it would sound like:
Hi Everyone!
I hope you're having a great summer, and I think we should get together for a summer drink! Message me back with your availability!
J
She burst my bubble by telling me "no" I could not send out an email blast.
Goddammit.
So I was presented with the task of doing some face to face sharing. I started with the people closest to me, and up until now, the "big reveal" has been one on one. I choose this method verses telling a group of people for a very deliberate reason. I understand that this is not just my coming out process, but the people that I'm sharing this with have to process. I wanted people to feel comfortable and free to share what they felt without the worry of other eyes looking at them. Telling people one to one was important. I thought it was respectful, kind and the lowest key way to share.
I am not one for the spotlight, it makes me very uncomfortable. Hence this anonymous blogging. Telling a group of people is not something that I even wanted to do either.
So far this is working for me, it makes me feel like I can manage a bit better and I feel a bit safer in the situation. If I feel I'm getting upset or angry I can figure out without multiple pairs of eyes that are watching my every move. It makes me sweat just thinking about it.
But now I find myself at an interesting crossroads. I've told my close friends. They know about my uncovered identity as a gay woman. The conversation I have every time I have come out is lengthy and emotional. I find that I have to gear myself up for the big reveal and get ready for the conversation that has to ensue. Gah.
Tonight is another big reveal, and the first group reveal. It's my monthly wine/cheese/book club meeting with some of my closest girlfriends. They are a great group- and I'm not afraid of any of them being upset or unkind. They are, however not women I would naturally seek out in my life. Their life trajectories (hetero, traditional marriage, babies, politics, etc.) are a bit different then mine. Not bad, not horrible, just different. I'm definitely the one in the group who is left of centre. They are enthusiastic, exciting, open and talkative.
When I tell them tonight it will be a loooooong conversation. I'm nervous that I'm not up for it. I'm scared that I will be overly emotional (tears, inability to talk about it), I'm nervous that I will kill the good mood of the evening.
I'm also very nervous that one of them will say something supportive that irritates the shit out of me and I won't be able to ignore it or respond with kindness. I'm nervous that they will be dismissive of the hardness of this situation by saying things like "It doesn't matter- being honest is important!" or "You don't want to be friends with people who are not going to support you!".
Bah. I will be fine, and it will be great.
Fuck.
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