As I mentioned before, a friend of mine recently lost a parent. It was not a surprise, but that's cold comfort after losing someone who you've had a relationship with (no matter the quality). Today was the final memorial to say goodbye, and I am not one of those people who "doesn't do funerals". I can understand and appreciate that funerals are important, less for those who are departed, and more for those who have been left behind.
I went with a couple who was also attending- it was nice to hang out with them before and go together. Lately my own reliability is questionable, it was a relief to go with someone else.
So on we went to the church- which is Catholic. I feel like that needs to be a separate post all together, my relationship with the Catholic church. We entered the church gave hugs and sat down...my friends were great, asking me if I would be ok going into the church. Mostly asking in a joking way. I responded with the usually "catching on fire" response. A little laugh at a funeral is helpful.
We went in and grabbed a seat, and I got used to being in the church for a couple of minutes. I grew up Catholic, so the surroundings were not difficult to get used to. Soon after sitting, another friend (who I have not come out to...simply because of conflicting schedules) joined us and sat next to us. She is lovely- kind, open, calm and amazing. I was overwhelmed. The she asked me "how are things with you?".
And I came thisclose to coming out to a friend during Mass. It shook me. Scared me. And again, something that I usually would not do. It freaked me right out, how quickly I almost did something as insane as coming out in a church that, if they knew, would say that I'm not right and against Jesus.
As the Mass started I saw a parent of a longtime friend. This woman is probably the most miserable person I have ever known. She's got issues, and I'm not joking. I first met her daughter in grade nine, and we were close throughout school, and it culminated in my being her maid of honour when she got married when were 20 years old.
Since my friend's marriage nine years ago, she has started to become more aligned with very conservative and traditional Christian values. Usually, this won't bother me. But this friend has also become very outspoken and almost mean in her beliefs, even on one occasion two years ago chastising a group of us for straying from our "Christian faith".
So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw this friend singing in the choir at the funeral (it was a surprise because she moved to a "mega church" about five years ago).
Sidenote: My long lost friend was the youngest in the choir by about 50 years.
I almost lost it. Combined with the priest's homily about "living the life Christ wants you to live" to get into Eternity, being told to be a "slave to my Master (re: Jesus)", listening to what an amazingly kind man my friend's dead parent was, thinking about my own dad and our issues and what it would feel like to lose him, almost coming out in the middle of Mass to my friend- seeing this old friend just about sent me over the edge.
In between all of this, I couldn't help but call myself a huge drama queen. I couldn't even sit through Communion, I had to leave.
It culminated at the end with my long lost friend inviting me over to her new home in the next couple of weeks to see her kids and catch up.
Where she will certainly ask me "how are things with you?".
Fuck me.
No comments:
Post a Comment