At first, when I started this journey of simply telling everyone that their assumptions that I was straight were misguided, I didn't really start to feel emotional. I was oddly clinical about the entire thing. I was not nervous at the beginning, I thought the butterflies I felt were more anticipation than nerves.
And then about 12 hours after I told the most important person (my mom) I started my slow descent into madness. I started feeling euphoric and terrified, simultaneously. I can only guess that this is what having a child feels like, except people are much more comfortable talking about your new little person than talking about your new identity as a gay person.
All of a sudden I started experiencing the epicness of my mood swings, which are still in full pendulum swing as we speak. At one moment I feel happy and excited and proud, the next I am grieving for my closeted self. I hate this feeling. And the worst part? It's totally unpredictable.
Backtrack: I am the most predictable person you will ever meet. I make plans, I follow said plans and think methodically about what I want to do. With this, I can predict my emotional behaviour. Even when I'm sad, unhappy, down, whatever, I can always understand my feelings. I can understand why I'm feeling the way I am. I take such comfort in being able to understand my feelings.
So, you can imagine that with my rapid and somewhat confusing moods I am freaking right out. Not only do I have to deal with the very big emotions of being scared/upset/excited/happy, but I find myself also dealing with the fear of simply understanding these emotions.
Being in the field that I am in (social work), I pride myself on my ability to self-reflect. But it seems that in this situation it doesn't matter what I know in my head- my heart is about five steps ahead of me. Eventually I can deconstruct what is going on (the insights I have about three weeks ago are helpful, but would have been more helpful 20 days ago). But it's taking me far too long for my liking.
I'm hopeful that by working through these next weeks (months? oh god) I can return to that person I was before who didn't get super sad when thinking about the relatives that I cannot tell or super excited when I watch "The Real L Word" without fear that someone will overhear and figure me out.
But, we'll see how this goes. Until then, I will enjoy the rollercoaster ride with its dips of fear and flows of euphoria.
No comments:
Post a Comment