Living a Lie?

I've always been a sucker for identity construction.  I find the whole concept fascinating to think about.  How does someone create their own identity?  We start out with attachement to our primary caregiver (sometimes) and gradually move forward to figure out who we are individually.  It's a process that takes years, and can be heavily influenced by big events, big personalities but also more insipid factors.  A chance encounter, media messaging, a passing comment or a brief, but scary emotional moment.

During my undergrad career I was most fascinated by the idea of how one figures out who they are.  I worked on research projects devoted to the subject, and eventually found myself in a profession that was about supporting others in figuring out their place in the world.  It was really interesting.

Because of all of this I have always associated "knowing who you really are" with having your shit together.  Over the past five years I've turned into a much more self reflective person than I ever thought I would be.  I started to understand who I am, what I believe in and what kind of person I want to be.  I have transformed (I believe) into a very non judgemental person, who accepts people for who they are.  This is incredibly helpful in my profession, and I find that it works well for managing vicarious trauma.

But now I'm at a cross roads.  I'm at this new junction in my life where I'm starting to question my identity in a big way.  I've avoided talking about my sexuality openly for my entire life.  And I'm craving some kind of change because of this acknowledgment.  So...what does this mean for my carefully crafted self reflected image?

On the weekend I was talking to an out friend about how much this had taken me by surprise.  Who was I now?  How did I live for so long ignoring this part?  The brief exchange went like this:

Me: You have to understand, that up until this month, I was one of the most self-reflective people I knew.

Her: Bullshit.

That stopped me.  Was she serious?  Was she right?  Was I really just fooling myself before?  Was I not really self reflective, was I just passing by, skimming the surface?  Devastated, that was the overwhelming feeling.

When people in my life had problems, and let's be real- people who weren't really in my life had problems, I would be their sounding board.  Clients, families, strangers, friends, friends of friends have always disclosed to me.  I used to find it uncomfortable.  I eventually learned that this was a gift- a big one.  I used to think this happened to me because I was an open and approachable person.  Even that I'm starting to question.

The bigger question for me is: have I been living a lie?

I don't know the answer, the possiblity of it being true is scary enough.  It would be an easy thing to ignore or dismiss- but it is there.  Making me think.  Making me scared that I've been able to fool myself for years into thinking I was one thing while denying this big thing.

The shear fact that I'm thinking about this should be my answer.  I'm self reflecting on the question if I'm self reflective.  But I don't know if that fact alone makes me feel ok.  At least, not yet.

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Roller Coaster

The past four weeks have been a roller coaster.  Scratch that.  The past three weeks has been a roller coaster.

At first, when I started this journey of simply telling everyone that their assumptions that I was straight were misguided, I didn't really start to feel emotional.  I was oddly clinical about the entire thing.  I was not nervous at the beginning, I thought the butterflies I felt were more anticipation than nerves.

And then about 12 hours after I told the most important person (my mom) I started my slow descent into madness.  I started feeling euphoric and terrified, simultaneously.  I can only guess that this is what having a child feels like, except people are much more comfortable talking about your new little person than talking about your new identity as a gay person.

All of a sudden I started experiencing the epicness of my mood swings, which are still in full pendulum swing as we speak.  At one moment I feel happy and excited and proud, the next I am grieving for my closeted self.  I hate this feeling.  And the worst part?  It's totally unpredictable.

Backtrack:  I am the most predictable person you will ever meet.  I make plans, I follow said plans and think methodically about what I want to do.  With this, I can predict my emotional behaviour.  Even when I'm sad, unhappy, down, whatever, I can always understand my feelings.  I can understand why I'm feeling the way I am.  I take such comfort in being able to understand my feelings.

So, you can imagine that with my rapid and somewhat confusing moods I am freaking right out.  Not only do I have to deal with the very big emotions of being scared/upset/excited/happy, but I find myself also dealing with the fear of simply understanding these emotions.

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Being in the field that I am in (social work), I pride myself on my ability to self-reflect.  But it seems that in this situation it doesn't matter what I know in my head- my heart is about five steps ahead of me.  Eventually I can deconstruct what is going on (the insights I have about three weeks ago are helpful, but would have been more helpful 20 days ago).  But it's taking me far too long for my liking.

I'm hopeful that by working through these next weeks (months? oh god) I can return to that person I was before who didn't get super sad when thinking about the relatives that I cannot tell or super excited when I watch "The Real L Word" without fear that someone will overhear and figure me out.

But, we'll see how this goes.  Until then, I will enjoy the rollercoaster ride with its dips of fear and flows of euphoria.

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