Living a Lie?

I've always been a sucker for identity construction.  I find the whole concept fascinating to think about.  How does someone create their own identity?  We start out with attachement to our primary caregiver (sometimes) and gradually move forward to figure out who we are individually.  It's a process that takes years, and can be heavily influenced by big events, big personalities but also more insipid factors.  A chance encounter, media messaging, a passing comment or a brief, but scary emotional moment.

During my undergrad career I was most fascinated by the idea of how one figures out who they are.  I worked on research projects devoted to the subject, and eventually found myself in a profession that was about supporting others in figuring out their place in the world.  It was really interesting.

Because of all of this I have always associated "knowing who you really are" with having your shit together.  Over the past five years I've turned into a much more self reflective person than I ever thought I would be.  I started to understand who I am, what I believe in and what kind of person I want to be.  I have transformed (I believe) into a very non judgemental person, who accepts people for who they are.  This is incredibly helpful in my profession, and I find that it works well for managing vicarious trauma.

But now I'm at a cross roads.  I'm at this new junction in my life where I'm starting to question my identity in a big way.  I've avoided talking about my sexuality openly for my entire life.  And I'm craving some kind of change because of this acknowledgment.  So...what does this mean for my carefully crafted self reflected image?

On the weekend I was talking to an out friend about how much this had taken me by surprise.  Who was I now?  How did I live for so long ignoring this part?  The brief exchange went like this:

Me: You have to understand, that up until this month, I was one of the most self-reflective people I knew.

Her: Bullshit.

That stopped me.  Was she serious?  Was she right?  Was I really just fooling myself before?  Was I not really self reflective, was I just passing by, skimming the surface?  Devastated, that was the overwhelming feeling.

When people in my life had problems, and let's be real- people who weren't really in my life had problems, I would be their sounding board.  Clients, families, strangers, friends, friends of friends have always disclosed to me.  I used to find it uncomfortable.  I eventually learned that this was a gift- a big one.  I used to think this happened to me because I was an open and approachable person.  Even that I'm starting to question.

The bigger question for me is: have I been living a lie?

I don't know the answer, the possiblity of it being true is scary enough.  It would be an easy thing to ignore or dismiss- but it is there.  Making me think.  Making me scared that I've been able to fool myself for years into thinking I was one thing while denying this big thing.

The shear fact that I'm thinking about this should be my answer.  I'm self reflecting on the question if I'm self reflective.  But I don't know if that fact alone makes me feel ok.  At least, not yet.

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Out Pride

After yesterday's "toe dipping" I started to movE quickly and spent most of today at my city's Pride celebrations.  I have been experiencing an overwhelming amount of support today, and had more than one person offer to come out with me, so to speak.

As I said before, Pride is not something that is new to me.  I've been going to Pride for a few years (I KNOW.  GIANT RED LESBIAN FLAG ANYONE?).

I had decided to go with a friend that is going through her own troubles.  We found the park and parked it under a shady tree with some bottled water and hung out for a couple of hours to wait for the parade to reach us.  It wasn't the best site, we were at the end of the parade, and by the time they reached us the parading folks were done.

Late last night I also reached out to my limited lesbian connections, as per my therapist's orders.  They are the only same sex couple that make me feel comfy about talking about my coming out process, and they've been around my family for a long time- so I didn't have to explain the dynamics of my family.

As soon as I saw my lesbian friends- tears.  It was overwhelming.  We spend the next two hours drinking cold beers in the hot sun, talking about the process and me asking them tons of questions.

They provided me with lots of information and support, and great feedback about my current conflict with my dad's reluctance to talk about my coming out.  They were able to give me some context, and helped me realize a few important pieces.  And it didn't hurt that they are both in the helping profession. They immediately informed me of two things that blew my mind:

1. I am, essentially upset with the fact that people are not reacting enough to my coming out.  This is usually the opposite of what people in my position experience.

Whoa.

2.  The coming out process usually takes about two years (including for each of them).

WHAT THE FUCK???  TWO YEARS???

I just about threw up my Bud Light.  I am not prepared for two years of this hellaciousness.  Two years?  Two years of mood swings.  Two years of irrational behaviour.  Two years of feeling out of control.  Two years of being unable to predict my next emotion.

This sent me for a loop.  They continued to share with me about some of their own experience, which was ridiculously amazing to hear.  I am so grateful.

Then they had some fun with me and tried to get me to take some dental dams from the Public Health Unit booth.  I'm so not even prepared for the world of dental dams.

At the end, they gave me some great connections to the community, and were incredibly supportive and fantastic.  I will be knocking on their door soon again.  Two more sherpas of gayness.

At the four hour mark I got tired (really tired).  I was exhausted from the talking, sharing and some of the more disturbing revelations (TWO FUCKING YEARS).  I then announced (in my usually finesse) that "I am done" and strolled back to the car.

I came home, had a cool shower and fell asleep on the couch.

In my desire to soak up the lesbian talk I didn't even get to see some of my straight friends who made it to the park after I left.  Their sweet texts and emails are amazingly supportive.  I am feeling the love in a million different ways and I'm feeling spent, but happy.

So, it seems that this journey is just beginning, and that my timeline of getting my shit together before the start of my fall semester is flying out the window.

But I'll leave that trouble for another day, and bask in the loveliness that was my first "out" Pride.

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Group Email

When I first started talking to one of my best friends about coming out she asked me when I was going to share with the rest of the world.

My answer?  

"Can't I just send out a group email?"

Here's what I thought it would sound like:

Hi Everyone!

I hope you're having a great summer, and I think we should get together for a summer drink!  Message me back with your availability!

J

P.S.  I'm super gay

She burst my bubble by telling me "no" I could not send out an email blast.

Goddammit.

So I was presented with the task of doing some face to face sharing.  I started with the people closest to me, and up until now, the "big reveal" has been one on one.  I choose this method verses telling a group of people for a very deliberate reason.  I understand that this is not just my coming out process, but the people that I'm sharing this with have to process.  I wanted people to feel comfortable and free to share what they felt without the worry of other eyes looking at them.  Telling people one to one was important.  I thought it was respectful, kind and the lowest key way to share.  

I am not one for the spotlight, it makes me very uncomfortable.  Hence this anonymous blogging.  Telling a group of people is not something that I even wanted to do either.

So far this is working for me, it makes me feel like I can manage a bit better and I feel a bit safer in the situation.  If I feel I'm getting upset or angry I can figure out without multiple pairs of eyes that are watching my every move.  It makes me sweat just thinking about it.

But now I find myself at an interesting crossroads.  I've told my close friends. They know about my uncovered identity as a gay woman.  The conversation I have every time I have come out is lengthy and emotional.  I find that I have to gear myself up for the big reveal and get ready for the conversation that has to ensue.  Gah.

Tonight is another big reveal, and the first group reveal.  It's my monthly wine/cheese/book club meeting with some of my closest girlfriends.  They are a great group- and I'm not afraid of any of them being upset or unkind.  They are, however not women I would naturally seek out in my life.  Their life trajectories (hetero, traditional marriage, babies, politics, etc.) are a bit different then mine.  Not bad, not horrible, just different.  I'm definitely the one in the group who is left of centre.  They are enthusiastic, exciting, open and talkative.  

When I tell them tonight it will be a loooooong conversation. I'm nervous that I'm not up for it.  I'm scared that I will be overly emotional (tears, inability to talk about it), I'm nervous that I will kill the good mood of the evening.

I'm also very nervous that one of them will say something supportive that irritates the shit out of me and I won't be able to ignore it or respond with kindness.  I'm nervous that they will be dismissive of the hardness of this situation by saying things like "It doesn't matter- being honest is important!" or "You don't want to be friends with people who are not going to support you!".

Bah.  I will be fine, and it will be great. 

Fuck.

 

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