Out Pride

After yesterday's "toe dipping" I started to movE quickly and spent most of today at my city's Pride celebrations.  I have been experiencing an overwhelming amount of support today, and had more than one person offer to come out with me, so to speak.

As I said before, Pride is not something that is new to me.  I've been going to Pride for a few years (I KNOW.  GIANT RED LESBIAN FLAG ANYONE?).

I had decided to go with a friend that is going through her own troubles.  We found the park and parked it under a shady tree with some bottled water and hung out for a couple of hours to wait for the parade to reach us.  It wasn't the best site, we were at the end of the parade, and by the time they reached us the parading folks were done.

Late last night I also reached out to my limited lesbian connections, as per my therapist's orders.  They are the only same sex couple that make me feel comfy about talking about my coming out process, and they've been around my family for a long time- so I didn't have to explain the dynamics of my family.

As soon as I saw my lesbian friends- tears.  It was overwhelming.  We spend the next two hours drinking cold beers in the hot sun, talking about the process and me asking them tons of questions.

They provided me with lots of information and support, and great feedback about my current conflict with my dad's reluctance to talk about my coming out.  They were able to give me some context, and helped me realize a few important pieces.  And it didn't hurt that they are both in the helping profession. They immediately informed me of two things that blew my mind:

1. I am, essentially upset with the fact that people are not reacting enough to my coming out.  This is usually the opposite of what people in my position experience.

Whoa.

2.  The coming out process usually takes about two years (including for each of them).

WHAT THE FUCK???  TWO YEARS???

I just about threw up my Bud Light.  I am not prepared for two years of this hellaciousness.  Two years?  Two years of mood swings.  Two years of irrational behaviour.  Two years of feeling out of control.  Two years of being unable to predict my next emotion.

This sent me for a loop.  They continued to share with me about some of their own experience, which was ridiculously amazing to hear.  I am so grateful.

Then they had some fun with me and tried to get me to take some dental dams from the Public Health Unit booth.  I'm so not even prepared for the world of dental dams.

At the end, they gave me some great connections to the community, and were incredibly supportive and fantastic.  I will be knocking on their door soon again.  Two more sherpas of gayness.

At the four hour mark I got tired (really tired).  I was exhausted from the talking, sharing and some of the more disturbing revelations (TWO FUCKING YEARS).  I then announced (in my usually finesse) that "I am done" and strolled back to the car.

I came home, had a cool shower and fell asleep on the couch.

In my desire to soak up the lesbian talk I didn't even get to see some of my straight friends who made it to the park after I left.  Their sweet texts and emails are amazingly supportive.  I am feeling the love in a million different ways and I'm feeling spent, but happy.

So, it seems that this journey is just beginning, and that my timeline of getting my shit together before the start of my fall semester is flying out the window.

But I'll leave that trouble for another day, and bask in the loveliness that was my first "out" Pride.

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Dipping a Toe

Coming out in July has it's advantages, firstly in my city it's when we're celebrating Pride.  I was nervous about this for a few different reasons.  I didn't know if I was ready to immerse myself in the community, be out in the community and try to join in.

But, there was a big part of me that wanted to be part of this special time.  I wanted to be at Pride, enjoy the festivities, feel the love and the spectacle.

For some of those who I came out to (who were also in the know about such things) they asked me if I was going to Pride.  I was hesitant to tell them yes or no.  Would they want to go with me?  Would they want a report on the activities and events?

My friends were a big reason why I felt comfortable to go to Pride events.  They offered to come along with me, lend their support and have some fun.

But I still wasn't ready.  So tonight I dipped my toe in the water.

I went to the low key Pride event that happens in our downtown core with my parents.  This was very calculated, and a plan of mine that finally (finally!) worked. 

Sidenote: I'm a planner.  A real serious planner.  These past four weeks none of my plans have worked.  Ever.  This is a big deal that I followed through on one.

Last week I told my parents that I wanted to check out Pride with them.  It was strategic.  My dad has been less than open with my process, and when I initially told my mom it was accompanied by me telling her not to talk to me about it at all.  Great.  Soon after, I realized that I wanted to talk to her.  Big time.  And that's how I invited them to Pride.  My mom agreed right away, and was ridiculously on board.  My dad?  He needed a threat to come along.

Tonight was low key, our city is big, but Pride is only just starting to become a bigger event.  We walked around, picked up a couple of pamphlets, some ice cream and watched some drag queens sing Petula Clark and Annie Lennox.  

This was followed by a very sweet drag queen, name Spirit reading a statement.  It started off sounding like the "It Gets Better" video statements, but then it got better.  My mom stood next to me and put her arm around me.  Tears welled up and I felt supported.  It felt good.

My dad took pictures, and didn't say too much.  But he was there, and that felt awesome, too.

So tonight I dipped a toe in the water of Pride.  Not going as an ally, but as a member of the GLTB community.  Tomorrow?  I'm diving right in.

 

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