I have a friend, Carrie, who I've known since high school, we are in regular contact and we generally see one another (in a group setting) once a month. She was very happy and accepting when I came out to her.
You ever meet those people who take great pleasure in telling you that they have a friend who is part of a disinfranchised group? My friend, so-and-so, who is black/Asian/disabled told me...blah, blah, blah.
I generally can't stand those people. They drive me bonkers. Really, really crazy. Those are the kinds of people that take pleasure in telling people scandalous tidbits and revelling in the reactions of their audience. It's sooooo exciting!
Don't get me wrong, gossip is fun. I am not one of those people who is above gossiping, or pretends like they don't love a good dramatic story between real people. I get it, it adds variety and spice to life. And I don't even mind if I'm the topic of your gossip. Truly. I've had a few (very few) experiences of being people's "big news". I'm not opposed or offended when this happens.
What irritates the shit out of me is when you use my big moment to ruin shit for me. Enter Carrie.
Last week I was hanging out with a dear friend, Tara. She lives in a city a couple of hours away, and I hadn't seen her in a while. I got to tell her my news via email (which was not so bad), and then last week we got together to talk more (while drinking red wine). Eventually it came out that Carrie called Tara three days after my big reveal to her. An odd thing, because Carrie and Tara don't really talk. They are friendly, they might comment on the same FB post, but no communication outside of that. Tara mentioned that Carrie had started by talking about her troubled relationship with her longtime love. Then quickly transitioned to sharing my news with Tara.
When Tara shared this with me, I laughed. I'm rarely the centre of attention in my life (my preference), but once and a while, it's kind of thrilling. I was flattered, and since Tara had already heard the news from me before Carrie told her, I wasn't upset. We moved on, shaking our heads at Carrie's move (which was a bit ballsy), but nothing more.
Fast forward to me driving down the highway the next day, when a thought crossed my mind. If Carrie had decided it was her job to out me to Tara (who she knows I'm close with), what would stop her from outing me to other friends and acquaintances?
Thus started the quick descent into madness. I became convinced that everyone I went to high school with was informed. I don't hang out with most of them, but it felt odd to be exposed like that to them. I wondered what the conversations were like when Carrie shared my big reveal with others. I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to how/when/who finds out. The thought that I am out of control for even distant acquaitances is unsettling. The other big piece that I realized is that I care how I'm depicted, as a member of the GLTB community (even though I'm barely connected to that community yet). I don't want anyone misconstruing my coming out or my identity. I don't want people thinking I'm a mess. I don't want to have a reputation as a puddle of low self-esteem, directionless, irresponsible lesbian. Even for people who hardly know me, I don't want them to think poorly of me. And I don't want them to think this is a big deal. It's a big (giant, huge, enormous) deal for me. Not for them.
And then I start to think about why I care. Because I do, and I won't pretend that I don't. I'm not sure why, although I'm sure my youthful low self-esteem and horrible high school days have something to do with it (and my current state of my personal confidence).
Later this week I went to have drinks with a couple of awesome friends, Sam and Isla. They wanted to get together, and I wanted to see them.
I shared with them about Carrie's hasty call to Tara and her disclosure of my disclosure. They were horrified. They couldn't believe that she had done this. What is wrong with her?
Then it hit me. Has Carrie outed me to my longest and oldest friend, Sara (whom she knows and talks to)? Sara, the evangelical, mom to four who I'm sure would flip out at the thought that one of her closest friends (and maid of honour at her wedding) is a lesbian.
I had recently started to plot how I would tell Sara this news one to one, as it had become clear to me that I really wanted/needed to tell her face to face (a change from my original plan of never telling her...quelle surprise). And now to be faced with this was like a smack in the face.
Before any of this it was daunting enough to have to work up the courage to tell Sara and deal with the fall out. I knew already she wouldn't be pleased, and might even say something hurtful. I knew that we probably wouldn't have a friendship after the disclosure, but I didn't know how to continue on with her not knowing. Our friendship has such deep roots (and happy memories) I felt deceitful in letting others fill her in. I was clear when I told Carrie that I didn't want to tell Sara. That I didn't want her to know.
Now, I was faced with the reality that I would have to connect with Carrie and have an awkward conversation.
"So, I heard you outed me to Tara. Have you told Sara? Because if you did, I'll fucking flip."
I was so angry. Not only did I have to figure out how to have this nasty conversation with Sara, now it had to be preceded by an uncomfortable conversation with Carrie. Great.
Combine this with her attitude of propriety over my new identity and attempt at telling Tara first, I was downright mad.
After drinks with Sam and Isla I decided to connect with those who know Carrie. I was assured that Carrie wouldn't tell Sara. She just wouldn't, not her style.
I wish I could say I was confident in that assumption.
So now, not only do I have to rethink my friendships with those three friends from college, but now I have to re-evaluate another relationship. Fuck. I'm tired.
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