Yesterday (that shit day) was truly sad and then fucking bizarre. It started with me going out to lunch with some friends. I count them as some of my closest friends from college. I've known them for about seven years and over the past few years we've supported each other through some awesome times, and through some really hard moments. On Sunday was another moment; I decided to share with them that I had come out.
It seemed like the natural progression of things. These friends are women that I talk to a lot, hang out with and spend as much time with as I can. I would call them best friends. We all work (or have worked) in social services, and we get one another. We're often having to deal with hard moments, supporting others and understanding the struggles that others go through.
I got to the restaurant and met my friends, first we celebrated our friend's new full time position. Then the conversation turned to me. And I dove right in. I let them know what I had been going through: I am gay.
You could have heard a fucking pin drop. Nothing. They looked so uncomfortable. They didn't say anything. It was bizarre. The table got quiet.
I waited for the questions that I have come to expect.
When did you know?
Who did you tell first?
Are you ok?
Thanks for sharing, it must be crazy.
Nothing. Then I got, "How did everyone take it?". I was not aware that I was delivering a punch to the gut. I started to get irritated, then I heard my therapist's voice in my head:
They can't read your mind. If you want something, or if you want support, you have to speak up.
So I did. I laid it all out on the table. I spoke up. Talked about how hard it was. Shared how scared, vulnerable, upsetting and difficult this process was for me.
Again, silence. Nothing. No check in, no support. No nothing. I was floored. I didn't know what to do, how to handle it. It was so clear that they didn't want to talk about it. So clear that they didn't know what to say. So I changed the subject after an awkward ten minutes.
All of this has me trying to figure out my expectations. What did I expect? As I was driving today I tried to think about my expectations prior to sharing with these friends. After a few hours, I came to the conclusion that even though these friends are my most thoughtful and quiet, they've always had my back. They've offered tremendous support in other, less difficult situations. I expected more.
I knew they would be an interesting group. One of my friends is a devout Christian. I was worried about her. I remember her saying something about being against gay marriage six years ago, or so. I told her, at the time that if she felt compelled to say those types of things, we couldn't be friends. So we decided not to talk about religion. And so far, it has worked for us. But I thought for this moment, my other two friends would have been able to speak up more.
Yesterday she could barely look me in the eye. It was devastating.
My other two friends didn't know quite what to do about it. What to say, what to do.
I could almost feel them relax when I changed the subject. Odd. That was the opposite of what I felt.
Lunch continued with the getting very excited about making plans for us. A trip to the city, a Harry Potter marathon, a trip to the beach. They were eager to hang out again with me included. When was I available? Where's did I want to go? They were giggly and silly for the rest of lunch. Something felt disingenuous and weird. It felt as though they were trying to send me a message: we don't care if you're gay, we're still friends.
But I heard another message: we don't care if you're gay. And please don't make us talk about it again.
So crushing. After lunch I said to my devout friend: Are you ok with this information? "oh yeah!" was the response. Hugs and giggles. But still no support, or recognition of the feelings that I shared.
After lunch they were feeling chipper. They wanted to continue hanging out. Let's go to Starbucks! No, thanks, I said. I needed to go and cry.
Would they have talked to me more about it if I had stayed? I don't know. I wonder. I was just too hurt, sad.
Because what does this mean for my three friendships with these friends? Why didn't I see this coming? Did I know this would happen? I don't think it would have mattered. I'm so sad. And more than that, I'm scared. This was the one thing I didn't want to have happen. Changing my relationships that I value. I don't know how to deal with this.
Thank god I go to therapy tomorrow.
I waited for the questions that I have come to expect.
When did you know?
Who did you tell first?
Are you ok?
Thanks for sharing, it must be crazy.
Nothing. Then I got, "How did everyone take it?". I was not aware that I was delivering a punch to the gut. I started to get irritated, then I heard my therapist's voice in my head:
They can't read your mind. If you want something, or if you want support, you have to speak up.
So I did. I laid it all out on the table. I spoke up. Talked about how hard it was. Shared how scared, vulnerable, upsetting and difficult this process was for me.
Again, silence. Nothing. No check in, no support. No nothing. I was floored. I didn't know what to do, how to handle it. It was so clear that they didn't want to talk about it. So clear that they didn't know what to say. So I changed the subject after an awkward ten minutes.
All of this has me trying to figure out my expectations. What did I expect? As I was driving today I tried to think about my expectations prior to sharing with these friends. After a few hours, I came to the conclusion that even though these friends are my most thoughtful and quiet, they've always had my back. They've offered tremendous support in other, less difficult situations. I expected more.
I knew they would be an interesting group. One of my friends is a devout Christian. I was worried about her. I remember her saying something about being against gay marriage six years ago, or so. I told her, at the time that if she felt compelled to say those types of things, we couldn't be friends. So we decided not to talk about religion. And so far, it has worked for us. But I thought for this moment, my other two friends would have been able to speak up more.
Yesterday she could barely look me in the eye. It was devastating.
My other two friends didn't know quite what to do about it. What to say, what to do.
I could almost feel them relax when I changed the subject. Odd. That was the opposite of what I felt.
Lunch continued with the getting very excited about making plans for us. A trip to the city, a Harry Potter marathon, a trip to the beach. They were eager to hang out again with me included. When was I available? Where's did I want to go? They were giggly and silly for the rest of lunch. Something felt disingenuous and weird. It felt as though they were trying to send me a message: we don't care if you're gay, we're still friends.
But I heard another message: we don't care if you're gay. And please don't make us talk about it again.
So crushing. After lunch I said to my devout friend: Are you ok with this information? "oh yeah!" was the response. Hugs and giggles. But still no support, or recognition of the feelings that I shared.
After lunch they were feeling chipper. They wanted to continue hanging out. Let's go to Starbucks! No, thanks, I said. I needed to go and cry.
Would they have talked to me more about it if I had stayed? I don't know. I wonder. I was just too hurt, sad.
Because what does this mean for my three friendships with these friends? Why didn't I see this coming? Did I know this would happen? I don't think it would have mattered. I'm so sad. And more than that, I'm scared. This was the one thing I didn't want to have happen. Changing my relationships that I value. I don't know how to deal with this.
Thank god I go to therapy tomorrow.
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