I'm sure there are many deep seeded reasons for why I'm not a joiner. It probably has its roots in my youth. As a young, round, fat, shy girl I was pained to join in on the fun. Funny how a few bad experiences of being teased (or just out and out ignored) can make an impact. I can't quite remember the first time I was purposefully excluded or ridiculed, but there are a few times that are crystal clear in my mind.
1996 - Grade eight. I was the new kid, and for some bizarre reasons I was hanging out with "the cool kids". I was totally out of my element, but excited for the fact that I seemed to be included. One day I was squeezed out of their inner circle.
I'm not being figurative. I was literally squeezed out of the morning huddle, where everyone talked and caught up when they arrived at school. Burn.
2000 - Grade 12. In English class the chair I was sitting on broke. It was an old chair, but as an overweight teen I was mortified. A classmate laughed so hard and wouldn't stop, he had to be sent out of the room. Now that classmate is a police officer in a neighbouring town that does not have a good track record. I'm not implying anything, but generally douchebags like that don't make for the most reliable people.
2001- First year university. I was asked to do the lighting for the university production of "West Side Story", while a bunch of my burgeoning new friends worked stage management. After the performance was done I would avoid not being included in socializing by sneaking back to my dorm room, alone. After the run of the show I didn't hear from any of them. Only looking back and realizing how cut off I made myself makes me realize what I did. At the time I just felt hurt.
Looking back on these instances I can tell that there were times where my own awkwardness won out and I cheated myself out of some potentially awesome experiences. But in the moment, it felt shitty and like I wasn't wanted.
Since university my ability to grow has been pretty awesome. I've developed an array of social skills (awkwardness only creeps in if I stay away from people for too long) and an ability to get to know people I've never met before.
But, as a rule, I'm generally a "one to one" kind of person. Large groups are intimidating. Parties have never been my happy place. Even when I start talking to one person at a party I'm always nervous that I'm keeping them from a more interesting conversation or opportunity (for reals...this affliction recently came up at my 30th birthday party).
I am my own worst enemy sometimes.
Yesterday a friend (who is "in the community") sent me a local newsletter full of lesbian social activities. And I got scared. Very scared. There's a whole bunch of different stuff that sounds interesting, but the mere thought of going to one of these gatherings without knowing anyone (let's not even get into the whole gay thing) has me stress eating like nothing before.
I know what I want- a community. And I know that it's just waiting for me. I just have to take the first step, put myself out there and be ready for whatever will happen. These social things are to facilitate just that, community building. But it speaks to that lonely fourteen year old girl inside who got squeezed out 16 years ago. Interesting how some hurts leave their mark.
I guess what's even bigger than my fear of joining, is the fear that I'll try it out...and it won't turn out. My need for community is big, very big. If this were to fail, I would be so upset.
But remember that book club? The one I was too afraid to go to for four months? Now I count most of those women (if not all) some of my closest friends who are giving me some amazing support and love through this process.
Perhaps it's time I tried being a joiner again.
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