Similar Journeys

This afternoon I joined a friend at her home to do some cooking for a cause.

Our mutual friend recently lost a parent- a tough situation for anyone to deal with.  This particular death is compounded by difficult family relationships and an impending pregnancy.

We got together and talked about doing something for her and decided quite quickly that our friend is not a "flowers as a gift" kind of woman.  She is, however very much into food.  So we gathered and cooked up four lasagnes and five mac and cheese dishes.  It was fun to cook with friends, and I did get some cheesy goodness out of it.

My friend also invited someone else to come along, her friend "S".  She was up for baking up some delish cookies for our friend, so it was the three of us cooking along.

As we were grating and melting and stirring my friend asked me how I was doing after my coming out to her last night.  I responded with "doing well today" and talked about my coming out process briefly, letting S know about the "big reveal".

Then S shared that she was going through difficult time as well, that she was at the beginning of a divorce between she and her husband of eight years.  She was some much so at the beginning that her partner doesn't even know yet about her intentions.  S shared that she just started to say out loud that this is what she wants and is trying to figure out what she needs to do first, how to tell people, how to tell her husband, how to start the legal end of the matter, and how she was going to negotiate their families discovery of the separation and the reasons for the separation (infidelity on the part of her partner in a pretty fantastical way).  She was nervous about how it would affect her mother, and is anticipating how her difficult mother-in-law will process the news and how it could affect others.

As S was talking I was struck at how similar our experiences were.  No doubt that the situations are different.  But the emotions that she was talking about were crazy.  She talked about feeling emotional, angry, scared, upset and at the same time happy and excited.

It was helpful in a way to know that I don't always need someone who went through this coming out process to understand exactly how I'm feeling.  Don't get me wrong- I need to talk to people who have had this experience, it is essential.  But knowing that there are others who have had similar kinds of emotional journeys?  That was a good reminder today and something that I'm very grateful for.

 

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Group Email

When I first started talking to one of my best friends about coming out she asked me when I was going to share with the rest of the world.

My answer?  

"Can't I just send out a group email?"

Here's what I thought it would sound like:

Hi Everyone!

I hope you're having a great summer, and I think we should get together for a summer drink!  Message me back with your availability!

J

P.S.  I'm super gay

She burst my bubble by telling me "no" I could not send out an email blast.

Goddammit.

So I was presented with the task of doing some face to face sharing.  I started with the people closest to me, and up until now, the "big reveal" has been one on one.  I choose this method verses telling a group of people for a very deliberate reason.  I understand that this is not just my coming out process, but the people that I'm sharing this with have to process.  I wanted people to feel comfortable and free to share what they felt without the worry of other eyes looking at them.  Telling people one to one was important.  I thought it was respectful, kind and the lowest key way to share.  

I am not one for the spotlight, it makes me very uncomfortable.  Hence this anonymous blogging.  Telling a group of people is not something that I even wanted to do either.

So far this is working for me, it makes me feel like I can manage a bit better and I feel a bit safer in the situation.  If I feel I'm getting upset or angry I can figure out without multiple pairs of eyes that are watching my every move.  It makes me sweat just thinking about it.

But now I find myself at an interesting crossroads.  I've told my close friends. They know about my uncovered identity as a gay woman.  The conversation I have every time I have come out is lengthy and emotional.  I find that I have to gear myself up for the big reveal and get ready for the conversation that has to ensue.  Gah.

Tonight is another big reveal, and the first group reveal.  It's my monthly wine/cheese/book club meeting with some of my closest girlfriends.  They are a great group- and I'm not afraid of any of them being upset or unkind.  They are, however not women I would naturally seek out in my life.  Their life trajectories (hetero, traditional marriage, babies, politics, etc.) are a bit different then mine.  Not bad, not horrible, just different.  I'm definitely the one in the group who is left of centre.  They are enthusiastic, exciting, open and talkative.  

When I tell them tonight it will be a loooooong conversation. I'm nervous that I'm not up for it.  I'm scared that I will be overly emotional (tears, inability to talk about it), I'm nervous that I will kill the good mood of the evening.

I'm also very nervous that one of them will say something supportive that irritates the shit out of me and I won't be able to ignore it or respond with kindness.  I'm nervous that they will be dismissive of the hardness of this situation by saying things like "It doesn't matter- being honest is important!" or "You don't want to be friends with people who are not going to support you!".

Bah.  I will be fine, and it will be great. 

Fuck.

 

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Roller Coaster

The past four weeks have been a roller coaster.  Scratch that.  The past three weeks has been a roller coaster.

At first, when I started this journey of simply telling everyone that their assumptions that I was straight were misguided, I didn't really start to feel emotional.  I was oddly clinical about the entire thing.  I was not nervous at the beginning, I thought the butterflies I felt were more anticipation than nerves.

And then about 12 hours after I told the most important person (my mom) I started my slow descent into madness.  I started feeling euphoric and terrified, simultaneously.  I can only guess that this is what having a child feels like, except people are much more comfortable talking about your new little person than talking about your new identity as a gay person.

All of a sudden I started experiencing the epicness of my mood swings, which are still in full pendulum swing as we speak.  At one moment I feel happy and excited and proud, the next I am grieving for my closeted self.  I hate this feeling.  And the worst part?  It's totally unpredictable.

Backtrack:  I am the most predictable person you will ever meet.  I make plans, I follow said plans and think methodically about what I want to do.  With this, I can predict my emotional behaviour.  Even when I'm sad, unhappy, down, whatever, I can always understand my feelings.  I can understand why I'm feeling the way I am.  I take such comfort in being able to understand my feelings.

So, you can imagine that with my rapid and somewhat confusing moods I am freaking right out.  Not only do I have to deal with the very big emotions of being scared/upset/excited/happy, but I find myself also dealing with the fear of simply understanding these emotions.

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Being in the field that I am in (social work), I pride myself on my ability to self-reflect.  But it seems that in this situation it doesn't matter what I know in my head- my heart is about five steps ahead of me.  Eventually I can deconstruct what is going on (the insights I have about three weeks ago are helpful, but would have been more helpful 20 days ago).  But it's taking me far too long for my liking.

I'm hopeful that by working through these next weeks (months? oh god) I can return to that person I was before who didn't get super sad when thinking about the relatives that I cannot tell or super excited when I watch "The Real L Word" without fear that someone will overhear and figure me out.

But, we'll see how this goes.  Until then, I will enjoy the rollercoaster ride with its dips of fear and flows of euphoria.

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Making the Leap

The same day that I came out to my mom, Anderson Cooper completely stole my thunder.

He also made the move, whether by his own motivation, or because of the prodding of others.

What I find interesting about when those who are part of the GLTB community come out to everyone (sidenote: this whole assuming people are straight without them telling you is another issue I'm currently grappling with) is the ensuing conversations that happen.

All of a sudden we have people giving their opinion about those who are "closet-ed", and namely those who are famous and not sharing their gayness. On one side we have folks saying that folks like Anderson, Ellen, NPH and others have a responsibility to come out, as famous/powerful members of media. They're excited when folks come out and they continue success.

On the other side we have folks questioning the coming out of those in visible positions in media. Their motives are suspect, and all of a sudden accusations (or thinly veiled passive aggressive questions) start to roll out.

What I find interesting is not asking why did Anderson wait so long to tell everyone, but instead I'm asking myself: Why did it take him so long to feel safe to share?

It's hard not to compare to my own experience- coming out at 30 years old, one of my fears was that others were going to think that I was tortured over the last twenty years. That wasn't the case.

But up until the last few months, I was challenged when I it started to be something that I was hiding. It was scary to feel as though I couldn't "live with it" and keep it to myself. Prior to this I felt (or tricked myself? I don't know) like I could keep this part of my identity just for me- no concerns, no bad feelings. Then all of a sudden- BOOM - it started to feel less comfortable. It started to feel oppressive, uncomfortable and as though I was hiding something. I hadn't felt that before.

So did I come out because I felt pressure? Kind of. Am I resentful of the heternormativity that was part of my decision to come out? Um, hell yes.

I don't know. This whole idea that people should come out if they are in powerful position is something that I do understand. I get. I am aware of the power that silence brings. But why are we putting so much pressure on closeted famous/smart/powerful people? Why are we not looking to our hetero counterparts to take some responsibility for enforcing gendered stereotypes and assumptions? How about we stop creating the environment that continues to perpetuate a culture of needing to have people confirm that the assumptions of heterosexuality are mistaken?

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Fearlessly Falling

Well, I did it. Six weeks after my 30th birthday, I came out.

It was completely surprising, spontaneous and surreal. In other words, nothing like me.

I'm working through this whole "coming out" process and I'm struggling to find other voices out there that I can relate to. The books are crap (that I'm finding), and a lot of the "coming out" material that I'm discovering does not speak to me.

What I've found is that coming out in adulthood is not something that is uncommon, but it doesn't seem to be something that we're talking about...or at least not easy enough for me to find.

So that's what this little blog is supposed to help me do...come out in my own authentic way. I'm not sure how this is all going to work. But I thought in the spirit that perhaps there are others out there (right? RIGHT?) I can do something important.

So, yes it's gonna get gay up in here. But hopefully fun, funny, interesting and infuriating.

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